He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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