I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
