Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
