You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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