I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
