My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
