what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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