I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
