My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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