you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
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Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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