why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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