He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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