when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
