When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The air was thick with penises
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
