had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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