I accidentally burped into my bong.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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