What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
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