How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
