bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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