Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
