chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
