peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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