I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
