If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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