Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
