i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
