I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
