Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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