I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
