what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
