Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
