my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
