im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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