I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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