So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
