at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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