I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
