Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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