so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
