Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
