it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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