i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
