Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You don't make any sense
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