my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
my liver is dry heaving
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
