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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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