whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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