Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It's official drugs can't kill me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
