so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
