**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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