I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
