the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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