So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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