so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
im on a boat
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