Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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