I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
