I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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