Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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