There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
