did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
