I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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