We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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