Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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