Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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